Donuts with Dane: A Rodkast Review of the 7-Eleven Cheeseburger

Being a fat guy, I would like to say that I am the convenience store food connoisseur that my friend, Chad Dukes is. Unfortunately, when I say that I am fat, I mean I am really, really fat. As I have discussed before, my laziness will truly succumb to nothing. I came to the realization a couple weeks ago, that though I love 7-Eleven nachos and chili cheese dogs or Sheetz subs and mozzarella sticks as much as the next man, the reason that I do not ever choose convenience store food is not because I feel I am above it, it is simply because that in the past that would mean I would actually have to physically pry myself away from my car and go into the store to grab the food. A man so fat, that he will no longer walk to get his fast food. I deserve these diabetes.

That changed last week though as Dukes came up with the great idea of me reviewing the 7-Eleven cheeseburger. This is an item that has been on my radar for a while now, but either my laziness or my shame of someone seeing me grab a burger from 7-Eleven has prevented me from trying it out. Hopefully, I can continue to review fast food items until they are the death of me, which I’m guessing will be about 2019 if I’m lucky, so I decided to call this series “Donuts with Dane” until then based off an episode title we did awhile back.

The first thing I noticed was the anxiety I had once I got out of the car to enter the 7-Eleven to purchase the burger. What if a line of normal-sized people builds up behind me and they see me, a man who looks like he could be The Rock, if The Rock ate The Rock and finished his meal with a dessert of The Rock, being a fat mess and buying a 7-Eleven cheeseburger? Luckily, the only guy in line at the time was a guy in front of me who looked like old John Goodman before he lost the weight and I felt comfortable that we were both in no position whatsoever to judge each other on our purchases. The cashier did look at me with a hint of disgust as I was checking out that he was trying to hide, but it was nothing I haven’t seen before from my wife when asking her to bring me my fifth slice of pizza and another beer.

A couple of caveats before we get started: First, there was a double cheeseburger available which I would have picked 10 times out of 10, but in the spirit of a fair review, I picked the single because it would have automatically gotten at least a half point extra just for having double the meat. Second, Dukes has recommended when trying this burger to dump chili and cheese all over it, then to shove it straight up your ass, which sounds like the absolute best thing ever. The problem is I bet you could dump chili and cheese on sautéed kale or your terrible cauliflower and couscous meal and it would turn it into a 5 out of 5. No chili and cheese. No condiments. Just burger, bun and cheese and see how it stacks up.

I immediately scurried back to my car to avoid anyone seeing me with the burger in hand and did one of my favorite moves, which is park in a secluded spot where no one is likely to park next to me, turn up my favorite radio show and down my fast food. When I opened up the wrapper, I immediately noticed this thing had been sitting there all day as it was beyond that point where just the cheese had melted. I’m sure you guys are familiar with this, but it was at the point where the burger, cheese, top and bottom buns were no longer their own individual items. They had all become one consolidated object with each item essentially morphing into each other. Just how I like it.

The first bite instantly reminded me of my past. That is because this burger immediately reminded me of school lunch burgers. For some of you, you probably take that as a negative as you were the guy or girl that hated school lunches. Well, I did not. I was the guy who stuffed a 2nd cheeseburger into my jeans after realizing I could get away with putting chicken nuggets into my pants without the lunch ladies noticing. I loved school lunch.

The burger itself, described as a “juicy, quarter-pound all beef patty” on 7-Eleven’s website was a bit tough and rubbery. Nothing too bad, but I certainly couldn’t describe it as juicy this time. I felt it was appropriately seasoned, if not maybe a bit under-seasoned, which is fine. In any other scenario, I would be drowning this thing in different condiments which would add to the flavor. I imagine most people would do the same.

I had read a couple reviews saying the burger had a buttery bun and was a highlight of the sandwich, but I did not get that. Maybe it had sat so long that the butter got lost in the metamorphosis of becoming one object that I could not taste it. It was a little bit hard, but it was fine. I probably would have preferred a sesame seed bun, but I don’t know that it would have changed how I felt about it.

The cheese was the star of the show in this review, as cheese usually is. You can’t really go wrong with American cheese. You just can’t. Also, I feel like cheese is one of the few items that are unaffected by being left out in a heater all day. Whereas the burger maybe dried up a bit and the bun hardened, the cheese just melted more and got a nice heat to it that almost overpowered the burger in a good way.

To sum it up, 7-Eleven offers a solid cheeseburger for a solid price at $1.99. It certainly isn’t anything mind-blowing as you’ve had this burger before. If you’ve eaten school lunch or bought a burger from a concession stand at a high school football game or a water park, you have had this burger. Where it stands out above those is that 7-Eleven has quite the collection of condiments to enhance the burger while at a concession stand you might only have ketchup and mustard to choose from.

While I enjoyed the burger, I don’t know that I would go out of my way to stop at 7-Eleven just to get it as I would probably end up going the fast-food drive-thru route. The other problem is when I do decide to get food at 7-Eleven in a drunken stupor or picking up a soda, it’s usually because I want something that I can’t get from the fast food joints. So I’m always going to be partial to taquitos, chili cheese nachos or chili cheese hot dogs because you do not see them at the fast food spots around here as much. If you need a cheeseburger in a pinch though because who doesn’t need a cheeseburger in a pinch, this is a solid choice. I look forward to trying it again, but doubling up on the meat and pouring so much chili and neon cheese on it that my 7-Eleven cheeseburger looks like a Cleveland Browns jersey.

 

3.0 Insulin Shots out of 5 

2 Comments

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  1. Pretty good first review, i enjoyed the insulin shot meter at the end, but I think it’s a little too optimistic giving yourself until 2019 until your inevitable early expiration.

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