We all know the guy.
Whether he’s a co-worker in your office or a cousin you’ve been pretending to like for 17 years, the mere thought of having to interact with him makes you cringe. He has no name, no face, no soul, he leads a life based on the latest trending hashtags and top 40 music. He’s the guy who says “Dicks Out For Harambe” three times in one night without knowing what it means. Just another mindless drone waiting for the next thing society tells him to like. Let me preface this by saying liking something on this list doesn’t make you “that guy.” Liking everything on this list, however, does. Here are some things I’m convinced people don’t really like as much as they say they do.
Oh, you like celery? Which part of the watery, stringy stalks do you like best? Here’s an article titled Why Vegetables Have No Flavor. I’m not condemning you for eating vegetables and being healthy, the benefits are undeniable. But you can’t have it both ways, there’s got to be some give and take in all of life’s decisions. You get to have abs, and pride in yourself when you look in the mirror, I get to eat Taco Bell and be happy for 8 minutes before I take diet pills that don’t work and drink myself to sleep. Sure, I guess some can train their palettes to crave and enjoy foods that won’t give them cancer, but it’s a rarity. Dieting is hard work so if you can do it, more power to you. But don’t slap the millions of overweight Americans in the face by pretending boiled cabbage is just as satisfying as Domino’s Stuffed Cheesy Bread.
I was 13-years-old when my 6th grade History teacher announced that the next two weeks would be devoted to studying and completing the movie, Roots. At first, I was pretty excited. I legitimately enjoyed American History, had heard a lot about the miniseries, and my cousins Amal, Laila and Fadwa (who introduced me to Bone Thugs-n-Harmony) told me it was a chance to learn about “the real United States of America.“ I can still remember feeling sick to my stomach and staring down at the floor watching some of those scenes. A year or two later, I watched Amistad with my Ecuadorian friend, Diego, who kind of said the same thing my cousins did and I never trusted him again. I’m not saying it’s not important, I could never argue that. I’m just saying if a friend suggests that you watch a movie that’ll bum you out for 3 days, consider deleting his number and never speaking to them again.
We used to call it techno. And anyone who listened to techno was immediately ostracized and labeled a weirdo considering it went hand-in-hand with beating off to hentai. Now, with a cool new name “dubstep” (or EDM) is the music craze that’s sweeping the nation. People can’t get enough of these robotic songs that sound the same and it makes me feel like I’m living on an alien planet. Here’s a video of four, very talented, rubber chickens recreating every dubstep song ever.
It shouldn’t be that easy.
Have you ever had a decent time at a nightclub? If your answer is anything other than no, you’re lying to yourself and probably to your close friends and family as well. Actually, there are some exceptions. If you’re a hot chick meeting up with some rich dude you’ll never talk to again, the club is pretty great. If you’re Busta Rhymes or Jay-Z, the club can be fun. But if you’re Papoose, Memphis Bleek, Othman Bouchareb or any other regular Joe, the club is a demoralizing endeavor. A nightclub takes all the terrible aspects about fun experiences and combines them into one. The humiliation of waiting in line at a sporting event, the rude bartender of a popular bar, the $17 drinks of a strip club, the garbage juice-layered floor of a dive bar and the unavoidable cloud of Axe body spray of a hookah bar. Don’t do things just because Usher tells you to.
Some Netflix series are great, I like a lot of them to be honest, but not every new Netflix series is The Sopranos just ‘cause it’s there. BoJack Horseman, Stranger Things, Master of None, Love, Chelsea Does, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt …if each of these has been your new favorite show for a month or two in the past and you never spoke of them again, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror.
This falls under the same umbrella as pictures of pets, grandparents and mom and dad. Sure, you can buy your Grandma a mug that says “Best Grandma Ever” and even though you firmly believe it, nobody else does. Every 3-week old infant looks the exact same, but they’re important to you because of the unique connection you have with them and that’s a big deal to you. It’s that simple. Constantly sharing baby pictures and trivial news about your baby is like sending out a company-wide memo about the amount of favorites your tweet got this weekend. Literally nobody cares, anyone who says they do is just being nice and it’s just a matter of time till everyone unfriends you.