As I was sitting on my couch for the 4th day in a row, wasting a perfectly good vacation doing absolutely nothing, I thought about something Chad said to Bartie and I the other day after doing an episode of the show. He said “We can’t have three emotional men on this show.”
This was on the heels of me telling them that I almost sent them an emotional text after the show because I felt it was going pretty well to this point. Luckily, I was able to maintain self-control to not act like a 14-year old girl, but many times I fail in these situations and let loose. I simply can’t help but be a man who is in touch with his feelings.
I know that this seems like it’s going nowhere, but it got me thinking. There are always lists about food we’ve eaten, or shows we’ve watched, or music we’ve listened to, but there isn’t much about feelings. Now I think we all know the top dogs. You know, taking your shoes off when you get home, flipping the pillow over to the cool side, the first sip of beer(Yeah, I know that’s kind of in the taste category, but it’s a feeling too!) the “feeling” that has you end up with 3 kids by the ripe old age of 28 and the “wave” of feelings that leaves your boxer briefs crumpled up in the corner of a shopping mall bathroom for a poor janitor to locate once you left because there was no chance you could put them back after you did what you did. This list is more about some of the best/worst feelings that we don’t talk about that much.
Pulling Out a Nose Hair
This feeling is arguably the best because you get so many different feelings all with one little action. First, you notice a tickle and scratch to then realize you have a hair that’s a little bit too long. Then you have to be able to pinch the hair which is a task in itself with my big mitts. Once you get ahold of it, you pull a couple of times with no success. This leads to the physical pain that you desperately seek to compensate for the emotional pain you are going through and your eyes begin to water. Once you finally get it out you get an amazing sense of accomplishment, mixed with possibly a sneeze or two on top of that, which could be on the list of feelings in itself. How great is a sneeze?!?!
Realizing You Only Have a Regular Weekend Left Off of Your Extended Weekend/Vacation
Now I might be alone on this and this could be the ramblings of a mad man as I am such a maniac that I can only fixate on how much time I have left I have on my weekend as opposed to just enjoying it. Also, I can only imagine people reading this that have to put in six days a week or really never get a vacation wanting to slap me for complaining in the first place. Even if you’re with me, I think a lot of people would say Sunday night is when they get the inevitable sense of dread that it’s time to get back to the workweek. But I actually like Sunday night because there’s usually football or some good tv shows on.
To me, there is something really awful if you have been on vacation or got an extra day off when you get to the point that you only have a regular weekend left. It’s like when you order a Whopper value meal with a side of Cheetos chicken fries and the chicken fries are all gone. Now you’re left with just a regular value meal and it’s not enough. Then you go to another drive-thru on the way home and order more. Then you tell your wife you never ate when you get home and eat the baked tilapia and broccoli she made as well. Then you hide in the bathroom to look in the mirror. Then you cry. You cry violently.
Popping Bubble Wrap
There is nothing more soothing to my soul than popping bubble wrap for 10 minutes straight as I go into a zombie-like trance. I imagine it’s what doing heroin feels like. It is so damn relaxing that I actually keep rolls of bubble wrap at my desk to pop while my co-workers look at me like they want to throw me off the roof of the building. This is gonna get real weird, but sometimes I just think about being in a room where there’s a whole bunch of people in it and we’re all popping bubble wrap at the same. There’s nothing sexual about this fantasy, I swear. I think.
Catching Someone In a Lie
Imagine a man who goes around bragging to people for years about how he met a local celebrity. Imagine the man saying the celebrity gave him his number and invited him to his house because the man says the celebrity said he was “so fun to be around”. Now imagine being the person that takes five seconds on a Google search to realize that the man is a compulsive liar because the celebrity he claimed invited him over was never within 400 miles of him. THAT is a great feeling!
Realizing Someone Ate Your Leftovers
You’re driving on your way home starving and contemplating stopping to get something or waiting to get home to eat another bland turkey sandwich when the light clicks and you remember that you half of a pizza left over from last night from that Italian joint that is mediocre at best, but you push on everyone because “you” discovered it. You open up the fridge, see the pizza box, and open it up only to see that there is only one-half eaten slice left and the dread immediately fills your body. I’m assuming this has to be one of the worst feelings ever. I wouldn’t know for sure as I am the one who is always eating everybody else’s leftovers.