The Case Against Public Pooping

Before I begin, I want to emphasize the fact that this is not a condemnation on any one public pooper in particular.

This topic has come up on the show a few times over last few weeks and, while one of my co-hosts is one of the worst offenders I’ve ever come into contact with, Preventing Public Pooping is a cause I’ve been passionate about for many years.

We’ve all been there before, stomach rumbling, each wave seemingly more intense than the last, sometimes you just have to just say “fuck it” and crap in your ex-girlfriend’s parents’ bathroom even if you know it’s the last time you’ll ever see her.

Sometimes options are very limited, and when nature calls you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

My beef isn’t with those people, I’m not  ̶h̶e̶a̶r̶t̶l̶e̶s̶s̶ bartless.

My beef is with the habitual offenders, and if you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m probably talking about you.

Whether you’re in a bourgeois, French restaurant or a desolate, gas station in the middle of nowhere, using a public restroom is generally pretty gross. It may not be like this for women, but the stench of unflushed waste that hits your nose the second you walk into a men’s restroom, combined with the loose pubic hair sprinkled on everything makes it an uncomfortable experience for anyone who has any respect from themselves. Most people want to get out of there as quickly as possible. Most people understand these unwritten rules of the restroom, but not career criminal public poopers.

It doesn’t matter if it’s your routine, it’s selfish and revolting. Where is your shame, public poopers? Every time you decide to make a BM in the office, you’re choosing to make your co-workers smell your diarrhea. If you have to do it, you have to do it, but be ashamed like you should be. I don’t care if you’re done, hide in your stall and stay there until I’m finished washing my hands. Have the decency to hold your feet up when people walk in, so they don’t have to put a face to the shit.

I know it’s super cliché to use the phrase “courtesy flush” here, but let’s explore the term for a second. Defined as a mid-session flush to help reduce aroma, a “courtesy flush” is an attempt to bring a heightened level of civility to public restrooms. It’s your way of saying “my bad, guys” to your fellow man. It’s called a “courtesy flush” because what you’re doing is inconveniencing everyone and doing that is your one shot at redemption. If you don’t think this a thing, I’m telling you it is. If you’re a nice guy but you can’t figure out why so many people dislike you, it’s because shit too much. Don’t let yourself be this person anymore, prevent public pooping, shame Sven.  

One Comment

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  1. Great article Bouch. That’s a good bit for some stand up comedy layed out there too. I couldn’t agree more with you. It is so gross when people come strolling out of the stall all smiles and want to chat it up in the cloud of Chernobyl they just dropped. I DON’T WANT KNOW WHAT THE INSIDE OF YOUR ASSHOLE SMELLS LIKE! Just stay in the stall til I leave. I NEVER leave until the bathroom is empty. I don’t it much but I have respect for others when I have to.

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