Death by pencil
Death by book
Blood and guts? You know I’m hooked.
On Rodkast #251, we mention how in a world of hypersensitivity and overcorrection, Mortal Kombat stays true to itself and its fans by giving us on-screen brutality at its finest. The previous week, we were blessed with a few fatality videos that would scratch anyone’s bloody itch. At the same time, we got the first John Wick 3 trailer, which looks like ol’ Johnny is at it again. Kicking people in the head, shooting people from horseback, and KILLING SOMEONE WITH A FUCKING BOOK. Did you see that part? He sticks a novel roughly the size of War and Peace in between someone’s dentures, which I’m positive is followed by a literary curb stomp. Needless to say, this recent spur of creative slaughter has really inspired me, so I decided to pull my top five on-screen kills in movies. Enjoy the clips included below – NSFW.
Traditionally, Michael Myers is a simple man. He uses kitchen knives, scissors, or even his bare hands to do what he does best. However, when two nurses are getting busy in a hydrotherapy pool, he takes the opportunity to branch out a bit. After cranking the pool heat up to the max, Michael grabs this young lady and forces her head into the boiling water over and over again. By the time he’s done, her face looks like a slice of prosciutto. Myers finds more chances to get creative in later sequels, but at this point in the franchise, it was the most brutal kill yet.
Ah, the chestburster. An all-time classic. You can see Alien’s influence in movies everywhere, and this Freddy Krueger kill is a fine nod to one of the greatest horror scenes ever made. Our main character Jesse is sleeping over at a friend’s house, terrified that Freddy will possess him to kill again. Of course, his buddy drops the ball and falls asleep instead of keeping watch. Jesse wakes up, freaks out, and his hand morphs into the famous blade fingers. We see Freddy’s head outline pushing against his chest, and he cuts himself open, for a full-size Freddy to emerge and kill Jesse’s pal. Definitely one of the coolest Krueger kills, before things get a bit too goofy later in the franchise.
This movie is a beautiful portrait of Old Man Logan fucking people up for 2+ hours. Although every moment of carnage is just flat out amazing, the best kill can’t go to either of our clawed heroes. When things get a bit nuts in the woods, one of the mutants (credited as Pine Cone Girl) gets cornered by some goons, and goes ballistic. She summons a mass of sticks and pine needles that goes right through this poor bastard. He’s definitely dead, right? Guess it doesn’t matter, because we get a tornado of more debris that proceeds to tear the guy apart. I definitely yelled “Holy SHIT” in the theater when that went down, and thankfully so did everybody else. Hopefully we see more of this R-rated depiction of powers in the future.
Movies based on video games are generally horrid. Silent Hill (2006) is a great exception, and doesn’t get enough run. Pyramid Head is a fan favorite from the game franchise, and a bit of a badass. Look at the guy – giant rusty blade, metal pyramid helmet, hulking veiny muscles – he’s the stuff of my Barker-esque sexual nightmares. Needless to say, smart move on on the filmmakers for putting him in the movie adaptation. So throughout the movie, a dark dimension comes and goes as it pleases, taking over the town and bringing hellish creatures with it. This happens to go down while a woman is being stoned by a rather irritating cult member. Instead of running for shelter, she tries to get one more throw in, and surprise – Pyramid Head materializes behind her. She’s dangling from his fist at this point – where could we go from here? Ripped in half? Beaten into the ground? Not PH’s style. He gets a good fistfull, twists, and pulls her whole goddamn skin off in one piece. Tosses it like away a wet towel. I need an adult after watching this one.
Easily in the bottom three of the Friday rankings. But god damn, this movie can be fun and very self aware, down to the Crystal Lake simulator and David Cronenberg cameo. Plus, it undoubtedly has one of the best kills in the entire franchise. It’s now 2455, and Jason Voorhees has just been thawed from his cryo state. Seems like he’s a bit groggy, cause there isn’t much movement during the lab students’ tests, until – wait a second – there are teens having sex on this spaceship! Now he remembers what he were so mad about back on Earth all those years ago. Cue Jason back on two feet, and he wastes no time wasting this poor girl. We get a great shot of her head in a tub of liquid nitrogen, freezing in nearly two seconds. She gets pulled back out, and her popsicle head gets SMASHED right on the edge of the table. Frozen head shatters, bloody ice slush goes everywhere, and we all high five. Yes, the movie goes drastically downhill from here.
There you have it Haymen, 5 gruesome kills that will always have me pumping my fist. I’m sure Othello is still the one that needs therapy the most. If you have favorites that didn’t make the list, tweet me at @_MattDotson.